Statistics show that there are drastic increases in the breakup rates around Burning Man and around Valentine’s day. It seems that both of these events bring up a lot for people in committed relationships as well as for people who are dating and are pretty close, but are not (or not yet) officially ‘together’.

  Questions become much louder like:’Is this relationship ‘going somewhere’ and is it going in a direction I envision myself being happy with’ and ‘Is being in this relationship with whatever difficult or stale sides it has worth it at this time, sacrificing any of the freedom and exciting new possibilities I might experience on the playa if I am single?’       
Questions like these lead to a lot of the pre-Burning Man break-ups but also continue echoing during the time on the plays and depending how that time goes they can lead to the big second wave of post- Burning Man break-ups. Another reason for break-ups during and after BM is making (and possibly breaking) too limiting or too vague agreements or not making any agreements at all while having all kinds of expectations and/ or hard jealousy/ entrapment triggers that have not been shared or discussed.
  Whether you are in a monogamous relationship, an open one, or have special agreements ‘just for Burning Man’, the tips below might save you a lot of headache and potential trust breaks. Whether you decide to stay in a current relationship or not, to raise the level of commitment in an ongoing dating situation or to stop it altogether they are aimed at helping  you do it with integrity and from a more centered place versus through acting-out reactive patterns which often lead to more hurt and resentment on both sides.
If your goal is to keep the current relationship you are in and possibly bring it ‘to the next level’ of intimacy and creative expression
  1) Build a strong bond beforehand
- spend some quality time together
- do some of the shopping / BM preparation together
- share how you look forward having fun on the playa 
  2) Be clear about agreements and keep them or change them beforehand if they don’t seem to fit where you are at.
A lot of couples change their agreements for the time of Burning Man. Whether you decide to keep the current agreements (or lack of) with your significant other or to change them for the time on the playa it is a good idea to have a talk beforehand about what is to be shared or not and if there are any agreements, what are they  and, what exactly, do they entail.
A lot of breakups during and after Burning Man come from:
- broken agreements (in order to set expectations or make agreements that will not be broken it is wise to consider all the circumstances and mind states (substance induced or not) you can see yourself in and the way you know yourself to act in them, not 
- too vaguely defined or ‘unspoken’ agreements that might mean different things for each person
a few examples of those:
-for monogamous relationships: What is within the accepted boundaries for both and what isn’t (making out or ‘heavy petting’ can be easily seen as a potential grey area)
- for open relationships or special ‘just for Burning Man agreements”
    - is oral sex ‘having sex’ or ‘fooling around’?
    - are they any limits on ‘how close to home’ other play partners can be.. who are ‘friends’ and who are ‘acquaintances’.. what about proximity in space… is it ok to bring a new date to the shared area/ tent/ RV?
One of the reasons for a big part of the post- BM break-ups is feeling too restricted by the relationship. Make rules that don’t leave one of the partners feel suffocated.  
  3) If you and your partner seem to have different flows it might be a good idea to set certain times as ‘date times’ or times in which you are experiencing things together. I would recommend spending some of the more significant times like the Saturday night burn of the Man, the Temple burn, as well as some times during the day together with your partner. People generally have an easier time giving each other space if there is a concrete time in the close future when they know that they will be spending time together.
  4) if you are in a relationship in which you tend to do most things together- schedule some ‘alone time’ on the playa.. a time in which each of you gets to have their own experience. Those times can be scheduled or spontaneously asked for when needed
  5) Be aware of ‘come downs’ and the emotional effects of sleep deprivation, heat and dehydration
The playa is the place a lot of people do all kinds of ‘medicine’ on top of heat, cold, dehydration and sleep deprivation. Depending on the kind of mind altering substances you tend to use the day to two days after can be very emotionally sensitive. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself and your partner being much more irritable, reactive, pessimistic, short tempered and less connected. As a rule of thumb, don’t make any important decisions about your relationship based on a ’second -or third-day- after- comedown’. If you do get into hard places in that time don’t let your judgment about confuse the intensity, reactivity or dullness of emotion The ‘conclusions’ you might have come to during those sensitive days are providing valuable information about potential patterns or pitfalls. On the other hand often they don’t come from the parts of us that are in touch with the big picture of our relationship and it might be misleading seeing them as ‘the complete truth of how you feel’.  Wait a couple of days before you revisit the subject from a more centered place or before you take any action based on those ‘conclusions’.  

  If you choose to play with substances on the playa bring 5HTP and L-Tryptophan and electrolytes and take them after every time you take any substances that might influence your Serotonin and/ or Dopamine levels. Don’t underestimate the healing powers of sleep either:)

  6) Do something unexpected
  Studies show that the element of surprise is one of the things that  evoke and keep the feeling of ‘being in love’ alive. Doing something unexpected with (or to:) your lover can deepen the bond between you. The element of surprise and newness can  trigger an extra release of the yummy chemicals of being in love and spice up the connection.

Meriana Dinkova
Psychotherapist (MFT #45696), Life- and Relationship Coach
http://merianadinkova.com
(415) 296-6124